So shiny, and pretty.
So shiny, and pretty.
Falling asleep should be the simplest of things. Silence and dark. A sensory deprivation. Yet I find that thoughts come to me in the dark, and without even trying I see everything. The answer? Whiskey.
He won’t remember this in the morning. He won’t remember how he screamed, ripped the blankets away from my face, punched the wall. He won’t remember my icy coldness, or how uncomfortable I am sleeping on this couch. He won’t remember the horrible things he said to me, and the hurtful words that burned like ice in my veins. But I will.
My cat doesn’t want me to read.
Sometimes I think I write everything on here for the sole purpose that someday, when he actually comes around to facing the fact that I’m gone, he will think of me and read this. He will read everything I ever wrote about him, and he will know. He will understand how very much I loved him, and how much it hurt to let him go.
And then he will hurt. Finally.
Sleeping alone again. For the second night in a row. Wine and tumblr. Excedrin PM. Its going to freeze this week. Sam bought snow chains. I’m anxious for the holidays because missing Riley is a palpable ache in my throat and chest. This wind speaks in soft whispers with a silken cold touch. I have both dreams and nightmares of California. Back home, down south, as its become to me in the North Country. Home has faded into something like a memory to me, as my reality has dissolved into the twinkling lights of Seattle and the salty smell of Puget Sound mixed with the eerie silence of a million trees. I always knew I left my heart here all those years ago, but now it seems I have left my heart back in Cali. In so many ways, its sweet relief to escape what was so obviously broken, but the truth is, I’m not sure I think of him less up here.
I can’t. I really just can’t.
Brandon, thank you for always liking my posts. Now please come and take me with you where ever you go on the next plane you take out of here.
You are always traveling and I am so jealous. Take. Me. With. You. Or at least bring me back something awesome.
We’ve known each other forever. Lets use this random tumblr connection to go some place awesome!